


Jaded Luxury

by PhiladelphiaBurke



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Accents, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Belly Kink, Belly Rubs, Body Dysphoria, Body Worship, Hair Kink, Hand Jobs, Having sex out of loneliness, Heavy Angst, I don't have a belly kink but Bill does, I'm angsty and this happened, M/M, Name-Calling, Porn with Feelings, Queerplatonic Relationships, Rough Oral Sex, Scarf Kink, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Some dubcon because Bill is a needy bastard, Spoilers for Face The Music, Ted has lots of body issues, They're such jerks in the five years later verse, This isn't a happy place, Voice Kink, Wall Sex, fuck the pain away, this is a dumpster fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27218254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhiladelphiaBurke/pseuds/PhiladelphiaBurke
Summary: "Sir Bill" and "Sir Ted" have a moment's debauchery before you-know-who gets home. I write them as queerplatonic and experimenting out of desperation. If you have body issues don't read.
Relationships: Elizabeth/Joanna/Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq., Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	Jaded Luxury

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling like shit; so like a kidney stone, this thing just had to come out. Takes place right after they jump ahead 5 years in "Face the Music", so imagine if the con worked.

“Good thing we showed up an hour early,” Bill said. “You know, us. Not those other usses.”

“You really think they fell for it?” Ted asked softly. He was uncomfortable in his stolen finery, in the house that was ostensibly his. “I feel like we’d know if we were lying.”

“You always gotta worry,” Bill said, sighing in frustration. “C’mon, we got an hour before Dave gets home! Let’s get fucked up.” He was already off down the cavernous hallway, restless and in search of something new. The house was easily the type one could get lost in, despite it being well-lit and furnished with many personal touches. 

More and more seemed to bore and disgust Bill lately, Ted thought. “What are you gonna do?”

“Whatever we want, as long as we don’t leave a mess…ugh, I guess we should put the clothes back, before we forget.” Unlike the entire house, only some of what they were wearing had been stolen. Ted reluctantly followed Bill to the walk-in closet cum dressing room, where their own clothes waited. Surrounded by so much opulence, Bill looked pained. “I mean, this was supposed to be the life we were gonna have,” he whispered, running his hands over a long rack of clothes. “Serve him right, if we messed up his house. They say grunge killed our music anyway, so it’s his fault.”

Bill had said this so many times that it just washed over both men’s heads. Ted had lost count of all the people his partner liked to blame for their failure. The taller, dark-haired man discarded the extravagant top hat he’d been wearing, and moved onto taking off his leggings. After opening his shirt, he could no longer hide his shame – that is, his distended stomach- and began to blush when he saw himself in the mirror opposite him.

Bill saw his expression change and immediately started teasing his partner in all senses- first by running over to Ted and grabbing his tight gut, making it shake. Then he laughed mischievously, and left an airy kiss on Ted’s shoulder. “Dude,” Bill whispered in a dark, eager voice, “I swear, you are pregnant with a vodka baby.”

“Shut up,” Ted said disdainfully, pushing Bill’s hands away. “You’re so full of it, man.”

“Nah,” Bill said lustfully, running his callused fingertips over the gravid curve of Ted’s belly. “ _You’re_ full. So full…”

“Not this again. You don’t want _me_ ,” Ted insisted. He backed away and folded his arms over his torso. “You want Jo. You just want me ‘cause I’m here…’cause I won’t leave.”

“You don’t have to be like that,” Bill whispered. This was an old, old pattern they had fallen into, since their wives left. It was something they had been on the peripherals of in high school, in their most depressed moments when they had no one but each other. When their peers and their families had looked down on them, they had sought some physical release, but agreed never to tell anyone of the few times they had helped one another.

Somehow, they had understood that even if being physical wasn’t wrong, their relationship was about far _more_ than that, and always had been. The two of them were kindred souls. It got much easier to bear after their first meeting with Rufus. They _knew_ the future was going to be brighter for them; it was all but guaranteed. With that kind of confidence, no one can fail. And over time, their love for the two women they rescued had grown. Both men recognized that it was distinct from the relationship they had with one another; their wives were different from them, and the four of them embraced these differences. The two men were simply two halves of one unit. And when their children joined them, things got even better- their daughters had their mothers’ quick wit and natural charm, but their fathers’ passion for music and skill at improvisation. Then it all went wrong. Something hadn’t connected and they were left as they began- with no one but each other. So they took their comfort from it, in whatever way they could.

“Come on, just a quickie,” Bill whispered. He moved his hand down between Ted’s legs and ran his hand over his partner’s sex. He panted: “We’ll pretend like this is our house; that’d be so hot. Do you wanna?” But Ted was ignoring him. He was staring over his much shorter partner’s shoulder, into the mirror. He pushed Bill away once more.

“Dude, look at me,” Ted whispered, more to his reflection than to Bill. Mourning for his former beauty was etched on the lines of his face. He hadn’t had many admirers at school; neither of them had. But during the band’s brief moments of fame, Ted had often been complimented on his handsome figure and brooding good looks. Most people would say his looks had faded, but Ted actively avoided his reflection at all times. Bill insisted that Ted needed to alter his appearance a little more when their past ‘usses’ showed up, so he’d forced Ted to shave his facial hair into a bizarre looking soul patch. But that wasn’t what worried Ted. Not only had his binge drinking made him gain weight, he looked haggard and disheveled. Some of that, they both knew, was from drinking, while most of it was lack of sleep, depression and loneliness. Ted whispered: “I don’t even look like me anymore…look at my face. I’m so old and janked up.”

“Shhhh….don’t ruin it,” Bill whispered. He just wouldn’t stop, running his hands over his companion in desperation. “What, you need a drink?”

“You want to bang in Dave Grohl’s house _and_ drink his booze?” Ted said. Even now, he had that innocent look, eyes and mouth wide, when confronted with something that truly crossed the line. “Oh, dude, we could totally screw those other usses over like that, but not him.”

“You’re such a priss. Okay, dude, no drinking,” Bill said, rolling his eyes in annoyance. With both hands, he grabbed his partner’s ass, which still tempted him as it always had. “Is this ok? Come on, you’re not horny?”

“I want…I wanna feel _something_ ,” Ted said, almost pleadingly. “You can keep going. We can do it here.” He lifted Bill’s face to his and gave him a sloppy kiss. “God, look at you.”

Bill laughed and started taking off his wig.

“Dude, keep it on,” Ted said softly, clamping his hand down over Bill’s long, very artificial mane of hair. Since Ted felt he was ruined, he’d become harder on everyone else. But he also knew that Bill missed the glorious curls he’d once had….and…“I miss pullin’ your hair,” Ted said softly. He ran his fingers through the wig and added: “And doing this.”

“Ok, I’ll leave it… don’t pull too hard,” Bill said hurriedly, moving Ted’s hand down towards his ears. Ted began touching him in earnest, wanting his companion to feel his hands on his chest, down his sides. He moved aside the robe Bill was wearing to nip at his ribcage. “Uhh, come on, dude,” Bill said impatiently, although his body responded with a shudder to the pleasurable sensations. “Get me off already, he’ll be home soon. You know what to do.”

Ted held him tighter and kissed his lips, craning his neck down. As he sucked long kisses onto his partner’s neck, his hand found the front of Bill’s pants and unzipped him. Grasping carefully, he began jerking Bill off into hardness but continued kissing hungrily, grateful for any contact. At least he had this moment in the years of abandonment, of confusion and loss. Moments passed and he took the silk scarf wrapped around Bill’s waist and as Bill tried to wriggle out of his pants, Ted balled the scarf up in his hands. After some fussing, Bill’s tight pants were around his ankles and Ted had removed the scarf to wrap around his partner’s cock. He began pumping- he knew his hands were rough and dry, and the blue fabric would be so soft.

“That’s Jo’s scarf,” Bill said.

“I know, man,” Ted said. “But you told me to get you off faster.”

“Alright,” Bill sighed. His body relaxed and he enjoyed the fabric sliding over his skin. His partner knotted his free hand in Bill’s false hair, forcing Bill to clamp one hand down on his head to keep the wig in place. Bill felt the sensation of his hair being pulled like a phantom limb, and tried to focus on that as Ted teased and pulled at his flesh with the silk scarf, cupping around his balls. “Yeah that’s it, ” the shorter of the two men whispered. “Fuck me good, babe.” He looked at the details of the room, at Ted’s face, and let everything else in his mind go fuzzy. He had to let go of everything in order to come. Roughly he grabbed Ted and started pawing at him in return. He earnestly grabbed Ted’s plaits like they were handles on a motorcycle and began kissing his companion’s throat. His hips were rubbing against Ted’s thigh, giving his cock more friction.

“Not so hard,” Ted whined.

“Does it feel good, like I remember?” Bill asked, yanking again. He moved Ted’s jewelry aside and sucked a love mark onto his collarbone. Finally, he began kissing a line down Ted’s chest until he got to his stomach. Bill winked at him and Ted whispered:

“No one can ever know…”

Bill nodded and began tonguing Ted’s navel, leaving wet kisses on the center of his stomach. Ted shuddered in shame, but he could not escape the pleasure the kisses gave him; it flooded his body and left him blushing all over. Something holding him back relaxed a little- Bill still had faith in him, he remained at Ted’s side and did not find him ugly. Then Bill continued his worship of Ted’s body. His mouth was inviting and eager, despite his normally cracked and dry lips.. and he kissed a whisper-soft line on the underside of Ted’s belly. Ted gasped- it was as sensitive as the head of his cock down there.

“So big,” Bill whispered. But he wasn't insulting Ted; he was making him an object of desire. He began sucking roughly at Ted’s cock, and Ted almost screeched, as Bill wasn’t being careful of his teeth. Despite his arousal, Ted had to ask him to stop so he could come properly. He noticed Bill looked rather whorish, with his false hair all wild and precum dripping off his lip. It was turning him on like nothing he’d seen before. _This is sick,_ thought Ted. _We’re both miserable, we’re both heinous-looking, so why am I about to shoot?_

“Let’s do it right,” Ted panted, willing himself to take things slowly and backing away from his partner. “Take me up against the wall and jack me off.”

“Can I leave the robe on?” Bill grunted. “I really like the robe.” He was trying to take off his shirt without messing up his wig.

“Just don’t get it dirty, that’d be most incriminating,” Ted said. He leaned against an area of the wall that was not mirrored and braced himself with his forearms. His bare ass was sticking out invitingly as his partner, now only in his wig and robe, began fingering Ted to open to him.

“Come to daddy, you gorgeous dah-ling,” Bill said, affecting his terrible, vaguely effete British accent. “You shall address me as Sir Bill, the Earl of Preston. And you shall be sentenced to get drunk off your ass each day before the hour of noon,” he said, breaking character and laughing maniacally.

“Dude, I’m not really feeling the voice…” Ted muttered, until Bill slid in a second finger. Then Ted began pleading: “Uhhh, I’m sorry, I really need it, just do it- you need to fuckin’ touch me…”

“You feel this, daaahling?” Bill growled, jamming his hard cock right where they both needed it to be. Then he reached around while Ted’s arms trembled slightly. The taller of the two was almost planking against the wall and not as strong as he once was. Then Bill's hand reached around and teased the head of Ted’s cock, before beginning to jerk him off fully.

He continued to plow into his companion’s ass, still shapely and tight as ever.

“Liz, ahhh,” Ted groaned. He could feel his cock graze against his hard belly, and he came as soon as he felt the friction there, splattering against his belly. He couldn’t help missing his wife at times like this- she was the only other person he’d ever been this emotionally close to.

“Dude,” Bill said, shaking his head as he finally took off his wig. “Do you have to say your wife’s name every fuckin’ time? What about me, you heinous dickweed?”

“It’s always about you! You’re the dickweed,” Ted said, now facing Bill. He punched the wall and sharply turned away from Bill, his plaits whipping against his face. “And I hate these stupid braids. If we meet those usses again, I get make up our disguises, not you.”

“Oh, that’s excellent by me, asswipe,” Bill fired back. “Not like anyone else is gonna help you.” In their anger, they went silent. As they looked around the room, now in disorder, they realized just how ridiculous they both appeared. They were old men acting like teenagers; playing dress-up like children, even.

“Or you,” Ted said softly.

“Aw, I didn’t mean it,” Bill said, his voice breaking. “I didn’t mean anything…”

Ted took Bill in his arms and held him, searching those big eyes for the friend he’d always known. “Dude, did you come?” he said, his voice full of concern.

“Not yet,” Bill said. He looked down, his lower lip barely moving as he said: “Help me?”


End file.
